I am grateful that I completed another 24 hours without drinking alcohol or using drugs. I am grateful to God for this accomplishment. And I pray that I can go another 24 hours without alcohol and drugs. So, living for the day, and not letting my ego get in the way, which causes me to fear for the future, to fear I won't have enough money for whatever, to buy status symbols maybe? More Lacoste shirts, a new BMW, and the things I valued so highly when I was so unhappy and so in need of chemically numbing my sadness. I once lived in a 6 bedroom 'mansion', with a high-paying prestigious job, and found myself one Saturday driving through town, steering my car with my knee so I could uncap the bottle of pills for a few 'hits' and then pour vodka in a cup to wash it down with. A Saturday morning, when my son was a few months old.
I'm grateful for my son, he's 10 now, and he gives me all the happiness I need and so I don't need alcohol or drugs, just my son. And his mom has taken him away, to somewhere I don't know, and changed her phone number, despite nearly 2 years of little or no drinking and very hard work to rebuild my career.
And this loss, right at Christmas last year, was so painful that I couldn't take it. So to numb the pain, I went out just before the stores quit selling alcohol for the night, at 10 til midnight, and bought some alcohol. And numbed the pain. I did not drink to get a buzz. I don't even think I feel these so-called 'buzzes' anymore. I only drank to forget this immense pain. And I drank to pass out, and just kept doing it, until I came to 10 days later and was poisoned. I ended up in a local hospital, with a blood pressure of 70 / 30. Nearly dead.
Today I am sober, and don't feel the need or desire for any chemical mood changing.
I'm not totally happy, still wanting to see my son. Worried what he's thinking, too, as we were 'best buddies' for the past 10 years. Does he think I am the one who forgot him? I can only pray and hope...
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