Each morning I kneel and pray, and say thanks Father, for my little boy. Of course. And then, I ask him to bless my detractors: my son's mom, coworkers who make work a pain and not fun. And I ask for guidance to be a good manager, and I thank God for my employees, one in particular ;) and I say thank you Father for my job, and for my health. Even when work sucks, and I've had a cold for a week. Yeh, I'm grateful these days to have a job, and to only have a cold...
Work isn't fun, like it used to be. It's really not worth it, but would doubling my pay, like I'm gonna request, make it suck less? Probably not but there's the good I can do with the additional money. Yeh, I can give it away. I have most of what I need. And I thank God for that too. Sometimes I tell myself I don't like money, sometimes I believe this, and now I think it's true, but yeh money is useful.
I live now only for my son, my little buddy and my best friend, and it's so hard to wonder what he's thinking now. I haven't spoken with him in 3 months? I don't know the last time we talked? It's the worst pain a dad can feel, or any parent can feel, wondering where their little son or daughter is and are they ok, and especially are they they thinking, "Dad doesn't care about me that's why he never calls or texts." I just sent his mom a text, simple question asking, "When can I talk to my son?" Probably no reply again. I just checked skype, he's not online.
So I just wonder, here alone, is this worth it? And I wonder why. And I never wonder, really, did God hear my prayers, but I wonder why nothing happens.
And is it worth it, after all, to simply try to do my job as best as I could?
When it causes friends to become former friends, a brother to become an enemy, and loyal employees no longer loyal?
I'm thankful at least tonight I'll sleep, since I didn't sleep last night.
And what will tomorrow morning bring, more of the same? and I wonder really what BS I'll have to deal with tomorrow.
I think God says for me to move on, I've done my best and be proud of that. He said today, "It's not worth it, it's just a job."
And knowing that, I feel relieved.
It's just a job, it's not worth it.